As far as I know
I have never received a bribe, fiddled my expenses
or hacked into anybody’s voicemail

As far as I can be sure
I have never broken into a stranger’s home,
stolen valuables, and then trashed the place

I am pretty certain
I have never knowingly molested a woman
walking home alone after dark

I would remember, surely
if I had pushed excrement, or worse still,
a lighted rag soaked in paraffin
through a neighbour’s letter-box

To the best of my knowledge
I have never jumped the queue at the Post office,
or taken a baseball bat to a former accomplice

Correct me if I am wrong
but I have never planted a bomb under a stationary car
without the owner’s consent

I think I can safely say
in fact, I’m pretty sure, that I have never
smuggled heroin into this country
from places like overseas

As far as I know

I have never received stolen excrement
Pushed heroin through a neighbour’s letter-box
Taken an overseas woman at the Post Office
Smuggled bribes, fiddles or paraffin
Planted stationery or valuable rags after dark
Hacked into a lighted car with a baseball bat
Or molested a bomb soaked in voicemail.

As far as I know